Last night while I was putting away groceries Mike and I were talking about when the kids are gone and retirement, yes I know that is a long way in the future being we are only 36. But nonetheless he was talking about being excited about grand kids and doing whatever we want when we want. It made me seriously think. I don’t want that, yes yes yes I want grand-babies and yes I want to not work anymore, but right now I can’t imagine what my life would be like if my kids left. Yes we have rough days when I am tired of being a single mommy while Mike plants/harvests. I have days where Ryan truly just wears me out with his mouth and the constant fights. I have days that I wonder how I will ever keep up with the tornado that Maddy has become, but honestly I don’t ever want things to change. Maddy is already starting to become a little girl not a baby and while I love it, it makes me sad. Just this morning she was in the cabinet trying to get her own breakfast (gushers lol). My kids are growing up way to fast and there is no way to stop it. I love who they are and what they are becoming but it leaves me very sad thinking that they will not need me. Yes you always need your mom, God knows I wouldn’t be the person I am without mine, but right now it just doesn’t seem appealing to me to not have my kids in my house each and every day. Then Mike said he believes that is why I want to adopt a child from RR again it made me think. Is that what I am looking for? Am I looking at this the totally wrong way and being totally selfish? Do I just want someone that would stay with me forever? I think I really seriously need to think about this and do a little soul searching. . . to be continued.